Kaminey- Debugged….. Dhen tanan August 29, 2009
Posted by arunpurohit in Films and other crimes by leading Indians, Humor, India, Satire.Tags: Humor, Kaminey, Movies, Shahid Kapur, Vishal Baradwaj
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Few years back , I read one sociologist’s view on what rules ensure Bollywood success.
He started with :..rope in Star kids, get racy music 3 months before release , spread affair rumors about lead actors etc).
The last one was least evident where he suggested : Invite all jounalists to a party , and give them an envelope containing cheques of Rs 50,000 each. Once the media is full of encomiums, the opening itself ensures profit. By the time , the truth is discovered, the kill is made and producers can laugh away to bank .Coming back to current time. The formula to make chootiya (Idiots) out of audiences still works.
After reading several rave reviews, decided to see this flick with 2 friends. Here is what I wonder how the film might have been made by Vishal:
- Story : Do judwa bhai, 1 chootiya 1 haraami.. dono ke 20-25 minute ke scene.. thoda sex daalenge , 1 gaana .., Bhai- Bhai ki 1 fight, Jaalim Baap/Bhai , last mein thain thain.. sab khallas. Crime .. usme kyaa karein ? Arre kuchh idea nahi aa raha.. arre koi baat nahi Drugs ka plot use karte hain..
- Comedy : Arre saala .. iska bahut tension hai.. Hero ka diasability dikhao.. India mein log disability dekh ke bahut hanste hai.. Kisi ka dimaag kharab dikhao.. kisi ka jabaan.. Yeh hollywoood jaise dimaag nahin lagaana
- Photography : Saaala sabh kuch low light mein shoot karo.. kuchh nahi dikhega to confuse honge.. aur hamein kuchh dikhana nahi padega. Senseless editing karo aur scene bhagao.. Kisi ko samajh nahi aaya ki kya ho rahaa hai..tab tak film khallas.
- Dialog : Ek do gaali.. thoda laundiya ko bold dikhao.. saala public hamesha sochta hai ladka hi rape karta hai.. is baar different bolegi
- Climax : Is baare me kya sochna hai.. 50 saal se apun log yahi karta aaya hai.. Saara villain, police ek jagah lao aur Dhen tan an.. khoob goli.. aur public fighting se khush.. aur paisa vasool.. Apun ko Oscar best ending to milne waala nahi.. aur uske chakkar mein pic-chur ka maa behen ek nahi karne ka..
- Accessory : Arre sab ko bolo ki sabfillum magazine mein chhapna chahiye ki . abhi yeh fillum ka hero ..apni heroine ko real mein bahut bajaa raha hai.. bas itna kaafi hai.
Interestingly, i tried to search image ” Chootiya ” on web and found one titled ” Sabse bada Chootiya ” and couldnt stop laughing. Here is the image
Closing thoughts :
- Story :Vishal B ne picchle baar Omkara ke liye Shakespeare ki Othello ki kahaani maari thi.. Is baar khud Shakespear ya Coppola banne mein phat gayi hai.. par logon ko chootiya fir bhi achha banaaya hai. A movie without story praised by many .
- Music : Dhen tanan has got good beats.. the picturization is jarringly dark . Psychedelic disc light is not a novelty and worth raving. No other song is worth a mention. He should rewind his tapes of maachis.
- Comedy : Sense of comedy is totally misplaced. I hope Bollywood grows up to find better ways to make peole laugh. Making fun , lampooning people’s disability is intellectual poverty. Hope they apply thought. Kaante had much better sense of self deprecating humor . Ghajini , Rangeela had intelligent humor. Kamal Hassan was brillliant in his silent movie ( Forgot name) . Oye Lucky was ribald and This kind of humor is abysmally reproachable .
- Action scenes : Having seen shoot out @ Lokhandwala Ghajini and Ghayal, the actions scenes are (1/10)th of their quality. The guns in hands of cop look un authentic and toy like. Vishal may do well to do internship with RGV who inspite of bull shit like Aaag atleast knows how to shoot Cross fires.
- Acting : Priyanka is the saving grace. She has worked hard and looked authentic mulgi ( Marathi girl) in first half. In machine gun totting scene , she is totally misplaced, the camera work is hopeless in last scenes. This I say because I have recently seen how camera work should be in Slum dog. Shahid has been mokeying around for long.. appearing like SRK duplicate and once went to Pankaj Kapur( Father) to know what he thoughtof his acting. He said, ” Tu langur ke jaise uchhalna kab band karega , aur kab bada hoga? ” I am sure with this movie too , he wont have much nice thing to say.
The Verdict : . My actual outburst when coming out of theater. Saala is Hindustan mein akhbaar walon ka sab kuch bikta hai.( Front page, last page, editorial etc). My sister in law who is rarely critical of movies said , ” Its not worth 1 * “ Its not the villains, politicians , drug peddlers , cops or Guddu and Charlie ..but the journos/critics praising it with 4 /5 stars who are Kaminey
Chak De and Other Stupid Jokes August 15, 2007
Posted by arunpurohit in Films and other crimes by leading Indians.add a comment
1430 , Tuesday, 13 Aug .. In side a IT development company a small Towner comes all too impressed with Chak De India. I ask him , A collection of spoilt , carefree girls who take things easy are insulted, they are inspired by a middle age coach who sings some stupid songs while they work in gym , exercise and run.. they finally compete in a match and are at a loosing position, suddenly they do something super willed and they win a match. Is this not all about the movie, which you are all impressed about? He moronically said, “Yes”. I said I have neither seen this movie, nor read its review but I if I am able to tell you exactly what its all about then something is gravely wrong about the story teller. I am appalled by the poor expectations you have about the product you admire. The way people like Shahrukh and Yashraj Films insult the intelligence of us Indians and laugh all the way to bank is really disgusting. You have dirt like Jhoom Barabar, Tara Rum.. etc splashed on your TV screens like some one would splash Windshield of your brand new Swift with a bucket full of turds and Shit. At 60 Indian cine goers need to grow up.
On the same day, I read one article in Mint about how one Indian Journalist to China admired a pathway in China saying that the stone chips were meticulously cut and all the ends were fully aligned in to form a straight line. To this, a fellow Swiss Journalist couched down, touched the pathway and said – “ Hey, I don’t think any Swiss contractor would like even his name associated with this work. The chips are not on the same level. This brought the Indian Journalist to the shame of how he could admire some thing that was so jejune and uncraftsmanlike.
Next morning, I find on the front page of Economic Times, Priyanka Chopra interviewing Shahrukh, where he berates corporates(Adlabs etc) for lacking creativity and capacity of story telling. He says they (Corporates) may have deep pockets but can never be like what Yashraj Studios are . This damn fool doesn’t even know that it’s the Indian corporate (Ambanis, Premjis, KP, Mittals) who have brought Global acclaim in terms of Management, ingenuity, creativity and quality. Buffoons like him act in third rate Pahelis, reprocessed shits (Devdas, Don etc) and feel they are Oscar material. Its good that he and his monkey groups get their Asses kicked as brutally as possible in Global award ceremonies. Rejected, they comeback thinking something is wrong with the Academy awards committee and constitute a plethora of asinine award ceremonies where they Ham Hollywood and bray superlatives about their shit and do their stupid song dance numbers.
Looking back in 2001, driven by Hype and promos I was heralded by my fellow Air force Officers in to seeing Lagaan. Barely , 5 minutes in the movie ,I could realize what a torture it will be watching this bloke and his urchins develop skills to beat Firangs, the idiotic emotions , the phoney updowns of the cricket match and finally they winning the game. It was the same idiotic story around which the Times and other puerile media groups created false illusions of Chances of winning an Oscar. They almost made us believe that it stood a chance. The poor Boy Aamir was in USA to lobby for it and the nation felt wronged on being denied an award.
It is this kind of Psyche about ourselves that we need to get rid of. 60 yrs are not too small an age to start appreciating good things in life like Forrest Gump, Black, Gandhi, Dabba wallas, Finacle , Riya.com etc.. Its high time we have credible Superstars who don’t proclaim UP mein Jurm Kum hai . or with primate like jig sell fairness creams to men . We need to summarily reject any product, which is less than global and ensure that substandard producers, performers face abject penury and damnation. Its high time we stop having buffoons as our National icons. Its time we kick the Political consensus, which replaces people like Kalaam with a party bootlicking psychophant and next day Editor of Jagaran lauds it as an achievement . If a woman was to grace this post , why not Indra Nooyi, why not PT Usha ? The amount of dirt UPA has laced the country is Unforgivable. The OBC reservation Bill, The Presidential Election Fiasco has brought in open how they have openly ignored the collective will of the nation. At 60 ,The Nation must make them pay dearly for it.
