B’day celebrations expiry date: ‘Best before 30yrs’ October 6, 2009
Posted by arunpurohit in Health, Humor, Rationality, Satire, Spirituality.Tags: Birthdays, celebration, Health, rituals
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We as humans are sometime so much driven by peer pressure into rituals and celebrations that we loose track of rationale of doing it. Let us take birthday celebrations. Earlier when medical systems were not advanced enough, an infant surviving mortality was an achievement. Pneumonia, Polio, Malaria or epidemics used to kill in large #s Thus every time scale conquered (1st day, 6th day, 1st month, 1st year) was a cause de célèbre . E ach year of survival was a cause to celebrate life and hence probably, the culture of Birthdays. The ritual done in childhood continued till adolescence , then to adulthood and finally till old age. There are some birthdays which are celebrated even after a person has died. Funny.
If we look at the way birthdays are celebrated, the feeling is more grotesque. Children dress up like clowns, balloons are hung. Lights are blown away (Extinguishing fluttering candle light is often symbolic of a soul struggling and finally leaving human body). This then should mean that on you 30th birthday 30 units of soul have left you( Blown away by you). There are people clapping and singing and you should feel happy (??). Happy about loosing life and singing the stupid Birthday song in English irrespective of your linguistic skills. Then they rub that cake on to your face to start consuming some of the unhealthiest food on earth. Whipped cream topping (100% fat), sugared bread ( Very High calorie), Samosas( Deep fried), Soft drink( Every 100 ml contains 10 ml of sugar). Its not good when you are a kid and dangerous if you are an adult with a desktop job.
If we look at the age perspective, childhood gives you the onus to grow ( gain independence) , teenage prepares you to puberty( Be able to reproduce) , Early 20s give you a path to reach peak of your physical strength and capacity. Biologically you are at peak when 25. Then you are on a plateau and you start dreading what each year of age does to you physically. Sporadic greys start appearing on head, hairlines start receding, balding often sets in . After 30 every year you loose 2.5 % of your bone mass and 3.5% of muscle. Cavities in teeth need occasional filling. You tend to be moving from: Running to Jog to walk now. Forgetting becomes more frequent than remembering .Does this call for Happy birthdays ?
If yes ,be the clown and jump like clown, distribute sweets. If No, reassess!!!! Birthday celebrations are best before you hit 30. Life on the other side of 30s is not that great unless you make real extra efforts. Think !!!!!
God’s variable pay September 22, 2009
Posted by arunpurohit in Humor, Literary, Satire, Spirituality.Tags: Devotion, God, Humor, pay, Philosophy
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God’s variable pay should be linked to monsoons in Q2s
There are 2 things which trigger this thought: 1) All across the world , no body can take a portion of their pay as granted and 2 ) God has been very inconsistent in delivering what its supposed to with consistency
Let me explain my seemingly indignant proposals.
The first Question is : Does God have a pay ? and if he does, then does he have a fixed and variable component ?
If we think deeper God gets a lot from her (Using ‘Her’ to be politically correct) devotees. Lets see the various forms it takes.
- There is cash and loads of it every moment coming to her. The cash register is not often accounted for .It pours in form of currency notes and predominantly coins.
- There is kind and its multiple forms. The manifestations are :
- Milk
- Sweets
- Flowers
- Clothes
- Fragrances
- Other food Stuff
- Precious metals ( Gold , silver etc)
- Credit : They rain in multiple forms :
- Cheques
- Donations
- Pledge against wishes/successes / wins
- Life : Sacrificing human /animal lives in return of wishes
- Bakras (Goats)
- Kids
- Buffalos etc
- Real estate : This is the biggest emolument and comprises :
- Huge Temple /Mosque / Churches/ City ( Vatican,Mecca)
- Roads, wells, Caves, etc Here , the different endless manifestations may crop up but to keep the long story short , I will come to a more significant one .
- Time : This can vary from :
- Prayer minutes every day
- Meditation hours everyday
- Fasting days/ week
- Devotion months/year
- Worshiping years/life and
- Lives/community or family dedicated to her
The above 7 ( not yet exhaustive ) establish beyond doubt that god does have a pay . Some part of it is fixed like daily prayers, Prasad etc. There is a very large Variable pay which is linked to meeting aspirations of devotees. Like If I pass , I put a Prasad of Rs 501. If the ailing son recovers , I build a temple etc. Having established both we must rationalize how the variable pay should be controlled.
Monsoons have lot of bearing on the happiness and prosperity of people in country like India. Ideally upto 80 % or less monsoon , the variable pay should be zero. Between 81% to 99 % she should get pay in proportion to percentage. Between 100 to 115 % he may like to get double the difference over 100% i.e for 110% monsoon he may get 120% variable pay. Beyond 115 % , i.e causing floods there should be penalty. These are my initial thoughts . What are your thoughts ?
Passing thoughts :
Dashboards and the helluva noise about them September 8, 2009
Posted by arunpurohit in Humor, India, Project Management, Satire.Tags: Accidents, Dashboards, PM tools, Project Management
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Imagine you are put into a car ,You have to drive it to a known destination. The car has a beautiful dashboard but none of them will work unless you manually update their values. How good will it be if you have to pop a dipstick inside the fuel tank to find how much fuel is there and then update the fuel meter. You go to the battery compartment, use a voltmeter to measure battery voltage, come back and update the dashboard. You go to engine compartment, measure the temperature of engine oil and update the temperature meter and so on .
This brings us to 2 major questions :
- How often should you get down from car to measure and update the dashboards ? 2 hrs? 60 minutes ? every 30 minutes ? every 10 minutes ?
- If you have to tell outsiders why your car is not driving correctly , will you have a feeling that if only I didn’t tell you every 15 minutes what my vehicle parameters are, I would have reached home by now?
Too much is being made out by various organizations on Project Dashboards. The Senior Management often believes that this is often the epicure of all project problems. Once they get dashboards, they can parade each project manager whose projects have parameters in red. This zeal of CEOs/ COO/ VPs results in passing a whip whereby once in a fortnight/ week a mail is sent to all. The Project manager stops all his activities, tells all team members to stop activites. They just do one thing, collect all metrics dump it on a spreadsheet. The sheet then is sent for consumption by the Sr Management. Once this exercise is complete, this gives a sense of superiority to management who believe that they have reins in their hands. All is good with this process only till you abstract yourself and look how in reality things work.
In ordinary/ extraordinary cases ,what is done is: A not so old vehicle of reliable make is bought, the dashboards are automated, most consumables( Fuel, radiator coolant, battery level, tyres etc) are adequately filled, the driver is suitably skilled and licensed to drive. While this is true for ensuring even VVIP motorcades; For Project management , the sponsors take an entirely tangent route. No body buys a reliable vehicle ( Project Mgt Processes viz PMBOK or PRINCE) ,) The approach followed is : They make their own vehicle ( PM proceses), Every one wants to get the metrics manually updated , the PM does all that the guys with passive car dashboard was doing . they do not ensure that the Project driver is licensed (PMP, PRINCE certified) or at times if s/he is licensed , tell them to run the project not in sync with licentiate rules but narrow current priority. The PM finally rams the project into the wall wondering what went wrong. He had learned driving projects on his own could crank the project to start and had some idea on steering and brakes too… An investigation is ordered, PM screams at management, management screams at PM, PM screams at team members ,every body thinks somebody else was to blame.
A driving parameter gone wrong has to be immediately addressed, whats needed is LIVE feed to PM on whats going wrong at that instant, not a court of inquiry once in 15 days to let a PM find out whats wrong and then non drivers telling her how she should drive.. Its time world bodies standardize the framework of PM dashboard , all project based companies embrace them and licensed PM drive all projects. Every thing good happening in the world is probably attributable to projects.
Kaminey- Debugged….. Dhen tanan August 29, 2009
Posted by arunpurohit in Films and other crimes by leading Indians, Humor, India, Satire.Tags: Humor, Kaminey, Movies, Shahid Kapur, Vishal Baradwaj
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Few years back , I read one sociologist’s view on what rules ensure Bollywood success.
He started with :..rope in Star kids, get racy music 3 months before release , spread affair rumors about lead actors etc).
The last one was least evident where he suggested : Invite all jounalists to a party , and give them an envelope containing cheques of Rs 50,000 each. Once the media is full of encomiums, the opening itself ensures profit. By the time , the truth is discovered, the kill is made and producers can laugh away to bank .Coming back to current time. The formula to make chootiya (Idiots) out of audiences still works.
After reading several rave reviews, decided to see this flick with 2 friends. Here is what I wonder how the film might have been made by Vishal:
- Story : Do judwa bhai, 1 chootiya 1 haraami.. dono ke 20-25 minute ke scene.. thoda sex daalenge , 1 gaana .., Bhai- Bhai ki 1 fight, Jaalim Baap/Bhai , last mein thain thain.. sab khallas. Crime .. usme kyaa karein ? Arre kuchh idea nahi aa raha.. arre koi baat nahi Drugs ka plot use karte hain..
- Comedy : Arre saala .. iska bahut tension hai.. Hero ka diasability dikhao.. India mein log disability dekh ke bahut hanste hai.. Kisi ka dimaag kharab dikhao.. kisi ka jabaan.. Yeh hollywoood jaise dimaag nahin lagaana
- Photography : Saaala sabh kuch low light mein shoot karo.. kuchh nahi dikhega to confuse honge.. aur hamein kuchh dikhana nahi padega. Senseless editing karo aur scene bhagao.. Kisi ko samajh nahi aaya ki kya ho rahaa hai..tab tak film khallas.
- Dialog : Ek do gaali.. thoda laundiya ko bold dikhao.. saala public hamesha sochta hai ladka hi rape karta hai.. is baar different bolegi
- Climax : Is baare me kya sochna hai.. 50 saal se apun log yahi karta aaya hai.. Saara villain, police ek jagah lao aur Dhen tan an.. khoob goli.. aur public fighting se khush.. aur paisa vasool.. Apun ko Oscar best ending to milne waala nahi.. aur uske chakkar mein pic-chur ka maa behen ek nahi karne ka..
- Accessory : Arre sab ko bolo ki sabfillum magazine mein chhapna chahiye ki . abhi yeh fillum ka hero ..apni heroine ko real mein bahut bajaa raha hai.. bas itna kaafi hai.
Interestingly, i tried to search image ” Chootiya ” on web and found one titled ” Sabse bada Chootiya ” and couldnt stop laughing. Here is the image
Closing thoughts :
- Story :Vishal B ne picchle baar Omkara ke liye Shakespeare ki Othello ki kahaani maari thi.. Is baar khud Shakespear ya Coppola banne mein phat gayi hai.. par logon ko chootiya fir bhi achha banaaya hai. A movie without story praised by many .
- Music : Dhen tanan has got good beats.. the picturization is jarringly dark . Psychedelic disc light is not a novelty and worth raving. No other song is worth a mention. He should rewind his tapes of maachis.
- Comedy : Sense of comedy is totally misplaced. I hope Bollywood grows up to find better ways to make peole laugh. Making fun , lampooning people’s disability is intellectual poverty. Hope they apply thought. Kaante had much better sense of self deprecating humor . Ghajini , Rangeela had intelligent humor. Kamal Hassan was brillliant in his silent movie ( Forgot name) . Oye Lucky was ribald and This kind of humor is abysmally reproachable .
- Action scenes : Having seen shoot out @ Lokhandwala Ghajini and Ghayal, the actions scenes are (1/10)th of their quality. The guns in hands of cop look un authentic and toy like. Vishal may do well to do internship with RGV who inspite of bull shit like Aaag atleast knows how to shoot Cross fires.
- Acting : Priyanka is the saving grace. She has worked hard and looked authentic mulgi ( Marathi girl) in first half. In machine gun totting scene , she is totally misplaced, the camera work is hopeless in last scenes. This I say because I have recently seen how camera work should be in Slum dog. Shahid has been mokeying around for long.. appearing like SRK duplicate and once went to Pankaj Kapur( Father) to know what he thoughtof his acting. He said, ” Tu langur ke jaise uchhalna kab band karega , aur kab bada hoga? ” I am sure with this movie too , he wont have much nice thing to say.
The Verdict : . My actual outburst when coming out of theater. Saala is Hindustan mein akhbaar walon ka sab kuch bikta hai.( Front page, last page, editorial etc). My sister in law who is rarely critical of movies said , ” Its not worth 1 * “ Its not the villains, politicians , drug peddlers , cops or Guddu and Charlie ..but the journos/critics praising it with 4 /5 stars who are Kaminey
A not so polite letter to a spammer August 13, 2009
Posted by arunpurohit in Etiquettes, Humor.add a comment
Spam is really a pain for all and more so for the people working on computers as a profession. I recently cared to reply to a spammer named Sujit Mukherjee ( Name changed)
Dear Sujit,
If your org has some ethic , please tell them to stop spamming people. I keep blocking all the mails from your domain. Yet they keep throwing a new langur( Monkey) every week.
Frankly, this doesn’t serve any purpose besides irritating people in business hours as I mark as SPAM everything that comes form your domain but it SPAMS only a particular id. Till domain blocking is a reality,I hope , as a Bhodro lok ( Bengali Gentleman ) you will resist doing something like this
Arun
Indian humor at its best July 14, 2009
Posted by arunpurohit in Humor, India.Tags: fun, Humor, pictures
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A picture is worth a thousand words. A humorous picture is worth at least 10 good jokes.. A collection of humorous pictures is worth 100 jokes and an hour of exercise.
I found one such collection here :
http://anatomyofindia.wordpress.com/2009/06/12/aisa-bhi-hota-hai/
Hilarious pictures. Enjoy
Hello Rajiv Gandhi ! Whats you got to do with it ? July 1, 2009
Posted by arunpurohit in Humor, India, Leadership, Nationalism, Satire.Tags: Bandra Worli Sea Link, Bridges, BWSL, Congress, Infrastructure, Mumbai, Soniya Gandhi
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Hello Rajiv Gandhi ! Whats you got to do with it ? We got a brand new bridge. Did you have a dream that you would like to see a bridge like this in Bombay someday ? If yes, the Mumbaikars have had 100 times more nightmares in absence of this. Will you kindly let us rename it Mumbai Spirit bridge? If at all you were associated with this project your contribution is very well given here.
Pyschophancy in your Congress runs deep and these days pays very well . Each time it has to exceed the previous one to secure a pie. Ashok Chavan, Vilas rao, Sharad Pawar , Pratibha have revelled in your Madam’s feet and are where they are today because of this. Once again they are at it and are dragging you in it . Sharad’s suggestion and Ashok Chavan’s seconding it reeks of scoring brownie points with Madam. Dont you think It is insensitive and incongruous to name it after you as you very rarely identified with this city?
Are you not happy and content that your dear Mani Shankar renamed Connaught Place as Rajiv Chowk? Delhi was your underbelly aint it ? My question is why should you want Sonia to inaugurate this ? Is it just because its a lasting monument ? Because the expenditure has been 1600 Crores( 5 time over budget )? Because it went 5 yrs behind schedule ? Can you be kind enough to let Major Unnikrishnan’s parents inaugurate this ? This Major if you have not forgotten 26/11 had laid down his life fighting to restore peace to it. Or should it not be a Karkare, Salaskar or Tambe’s wife. Give it a thought , the nation will be grateful to you for this generousity.
You were slained serving your party cause; trying to make a comeback after getting voted out on corruption charges. You were killed by Tigers for meddling in internal affairs of Srilanka ( When you had no business meddling there). You didnt know you will be blown away. These poor folks Major Sandeep in particular knew he may die saving his fellow soldiers and this city. He carried on in face of imminent danger to his life. Your death gave your party a sympathy wave and landslide victory. Your Madam now has unyielding grip on Indian political firmament. What have these martys got ? People have started forgetting their names. Can you prevent the nation from being ungrateful ?
You ( Gandhis) are already are a rich family with name sprayed every significant structure or schemes Just see the list of places that have been painted in love for you and your family ( Not exhaustive )
1. J N Nehru Urban Renewal Mission
2. Indira Gandhi National Open University
3. Jawahar Rozgar Yojana
4. Rajiv Chowk
5 Jawahar Aawaas Yojana
6 Indira Gandhi National Cener of arts
7. Indira Gandhi Nahar Pariyojana
8 Rajiv Gandhi infotech Park , Pune.
9. Indira Gandhi International Airport…
10. Rajiv Gandhi Bachat yojana…
The list is forever and end less
Naming everything important in nation on Gandhis is not enough to pay back your great services. We also wish to pay homage to people who died for Mumbai. Will you be kind enough this time to tell your Madam to let this thing go. The nation will repay this kindness by launching a thousand Soniya yojana, Rahul Nagar and Priyanka Space missions. Will you please talk to your brother Congressmen this one time?
Customer Slayer – An Airtel interaction June 1, 2009
Posted by arunpurohit in Consumer Activism, Humor, India, Satire.add a comment
Below is the actual interaction, I had with Airtel. They had been pestering me for more than 6 months on such a small issue as ensuring that I get my bill at residential address Read on:
From: 121@airtelindia.com [mailto:121@airtelindia.com]
Sent: Monday, June 01, 2009 4:44 PM
To: Purohit, Arun
Subject: [SPAM] Re: [SPAM] [SPAM] (MOBILE NO:=99XXXX AND 99XXXXX . COMPLAIN FOR NOT CHANGING MY ADDRESS DESPITE SEVERAL REMINDERS [|BAL|996XXXXX9|10620095142|]
Dear Mr. Purohit,
Thank you for contacting Airtel.
We understand from your previous interaction dated 04 May 2009, you have expressed concern over delay in change in billing address, non receipt of bills for your Airtel number 9XXXXXXX and inability to view bills in self care for your Airtel number 9XXXXXXXX.
This interaction has been on for at least 6 months without any appreciable response.
We completely comprehend your viewpoint and sincerely apologize for any difficulty caused to you.
Fake sentiments , reeks of insincerity
We take pride in enhancing our customers with our responsive and friendly approach. It has always been our constant endeavor to ensure, that our customers are delighted by our inimitable approach.
The endeavor is not reflected in any of your actions
We would like to confirm that on checking our records the address has been updated and the same address will be reflecting in forthcoming bill dated 09 June 2009:
I seek an explanation as to why it was not done as committed for May bill. Does your deptt have any sense of responsibility and accountability ?
D / XXX XXX Towers,
Survey No .1XX/X,,
411057.
Regarding non receipt of hard copy of bills:
Please be informed that bill dated 09 May 2009 has already been delivered to your billing address and the same have been refused at your billing address. We request you to reconfirm your billing address to initiate further action on the same.
I acknowledge having received a call from the courier agency but refusal to accepts is impossible. My flat is inhabited 24X7X365 . The courier guy said he will resend but didn’t . please do not sit easy on this
Regarding inability to view bills in self care for your Airtel number 9960731531:
The concern may be due to up gradation process in our Airtel website. We thank you for bringing the concern to our notice as it has enabled us to look into details of our services. We request you to revert with the screen shot of the error page for further investigation.
The upgradation SUCK has been on for months now. Please cook up something better. For upgrade there is something called test/production environment. Something which worked earlier if didn’t work why was it not tested before going live. I hope your website is not being made and maintained by a charitable trust of web developers. The website literally stinks
However, please find below the procedure to view bills in our website. You can logon to our website www.airtel.in to view the last 3 invoices with Itemized statement at free of cost after 5 days from the bill generation date.
I am too mature to start learning how to navigate in the website
1. Logon to our website, www.airtel.in.
2. Please login with the username and the password and you would be able to view your Mobile account details.
3. Click on “Bill Guide” option
4. Select the invoice period to view the details and click on “Bill details”.
5. Click on “Itemized Call Statement” to view the itemized call details.
You can also click on “Receive bill on Email” option to receive bill in PDF format.
We request you to send a message as EBILL EMAILID MONTH to 121 (toll free) to avail any particular bill from last three months bill through email. The same will be sent to your email address within 5 minutes.
The bill through email is password protected and you can retrieve it by sending a message as “ebill password” to 121 (toll free) and it will be sent through message immediately.
For further assistance, mail us at 121@airtelindia.com.
We value your association with Airtel.
Warm Regards,
I wish to put this converstation on my blog to let people read how funny and testing interacting with customer care can be . Jai HO
BJP ki Jai Ho May 16, 2009
Posted by arunpurohit in Humor, India, Nationalism, Satire.2 comments
Conntrary to Arun Jaitley’s claim that they performed poorly, I feel they have fared much better than expected and deserved.
There are not many uneducated Hindu voters in this country any more.
We can also count the educated but bereft of intelligence people in the previous category . Their nos. have fast declined
The BIMARU ( Bihar, MP,Raj, UP ) states too are not mentally BIMAR to fall prey to its stupid free rice /Gehu /Mandir lures. Also the Hindus today are not insecure enough to seek some uber kid to break somebody else’s hand.
Their hitech campaign to put advt on all pornographic sites( They know Sex only sells) too didnt help. Probably , had their top campaigners got their breasts enhanced and flaunted cleavages it woulld have been a better titillation.
Their allies are already behaving like whore; having fought election on a common plank, now they are looking for a better paying customer. The lotus which comes out of crap probably in political world is as big a crap itself.
20 -30 seats across the country roughly covers most of fascist yucks in our country. Considering this, 160 seats in Elections 09 is a great achievement. Though this is still dangerous for harmony of the country
Many Congratulations, their Gaddi in Opposition Benches is barkarar intact . They wont have to miss their slain pimp Mahajan who used to talk on Mool and Sood ( Principal and interest) for forming the govt. In absense of unrequited wish to become PM of India, their Supremo can take a vacation , lick Jinnah’s grave and pray for getting Sitara -E – Imtiaz ( High Pakistani civilian award) . He can then resettle peacefully in Sindh
Application for Parliament May 9, 2009
Posted by arunpurohit in Humor, Satire.Tags: corruption, Humor, Politics
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Hillarious Application from with really groovy Options.
Note : Those who cant read Hindi/ Devnagari will find renting a translator /interpreter worth the cost 
What an MP
