Few years back , I read one sociologist’s view on what rules ensure Bollywood success.
He started with :..rope in Star kids, get racy music 3 months before release , spread affair rumors about lead actors etc).
The last one was least evident where he suggested : Invite all jounalists to a party , and give them an envelope containing cheques of Rs 50,000 each. Once the media is full of encomiums, the opening itself ensures profit. By the time , the truth is discovered, the kill is made and producers can laugh away to bank .Coming back to current time. The formula to make chootiya (Idiots) out of audiences still works.
After reading several rave reviews, decided to see this flick with 2 friends. Here is what I wonder how the film might have been made by Vishal:
- Story : Do judwa bhai, 1 chootiya 1 haraami.. dono ke 20-25 minute ke scene.. thoda sex daalenge , 1 gaana .., Bhai- Bhai ki 1 fight, Jaalim Baap/Bhai , last mein thain thain.. sab khallas. Crime .. usme kyaa karein ? Arre kuchh idea nahi aa raha.. arre koi baat nahi Drugs ka plot use karte hain..
- Comedy : Arre saala .. iska bahut tension hai.. Hero ka diasability dikhao.. India mein log disability dekh ke bahut hanste hai.. Kisi ka dimaag kharab dikhao.. kisi ka jabaan.. Yeh hollywoood jaise dimaag nahin lagaana
- Photography : Saaala sabh kuch low light mein shoot karo.. kuchh nahi dikhega to confuse honge.. aur hamein kuchh dikhana nahi padega. Senseless editing karo aur scene bhagao.. Kisi ko samajh nahi aaya ki kya ho rahaa hai..tab tak film khallas.
- Dialog : Ek do gaali.. thoda laundiya ko bold dikhao.. saala public hamesha sochta hai ladka hi rape karta hai.. is baar different bolegi
- Climax : Is baare me kya sochna hai.. 50 saal se apun log yahi karta aaya hai.. Saara villain, police ek jagah lao aur Dhen tan an.. khoob goli.. aur public fighting se khush.. aur paisa vasool.. Apun ko Oscar best ending to milne waala nahi.. aur uske chakkar mein pic-chur ka maa behen ek nahi karne ka..
- Accessory : Arre sab ko bolo ki sabfillum magazine mein chhapna chahiye ki . abhi yeh fillum ka hero ..apni heroine ko real mein bahut bajaa raha hai.. bas itna kaafi hai.
Interestingly, i tried to search image ” Chootiya ” on web and found one titled ” Sabse bada Chootiya ” and couldnt stop laughing. Here is the image
Closing thoughts :
- Story :Vishal B ne picchle baar Omkara ke liye Shakespeare ki Othello ki kahaani maari thi.. Is baar khud Shakespear ya Coppola banne mein phat gayi hai.. par logon ko chootiya fir bhi achha banaaya hai. A movie without story praised by many .
- Music : Dhen tanan has got good beats.. the picturization is jarringly dark . Psychedelic disc light is not a novelty and worth raving. No other song is worth a mention. He should rewind his tapes of maachis.
- Comedy : Sense of comedy is totally misplaced. I hope Bollywood grows up to find better ways to make peole laugh. Making fun , lampooning people’s disability is intellectual poverty. Hope they apply thought. Kaante had much better sense of self deprecating humor . Ghajini , Rangeela had intelligent humor. Kamal Hassan was brillliant in his silent movie ( Forgot name) . Oye Lucky was ribald and This kind of humor is abysmally reproachable .
- Action scenes : Having seen shoot out @ Lokhandwala Ghajini and Ghayal, the actions scenes are (1/10)th of their quality. The guns in hands of cop look un authentic and toy like. Vishal may do well to do internship with RGV who inspite of bull shit like Aaag atleast knows how to shoot Cross fires.
- Acting : Priyanka is the saving grace. She has worked hard and looked authentic mulgi ( Marathi girl) in first half. In machine gun totting scene , she is totally misplaced, the camera work is hopeless in last scenes. This I say because I have recently seen how camera work should be in Slum dog. Shahid has been mokeying around for long.. appearing like SRK duplicate and once went to Pankaj Kapur( Father) to know what he thoughtof his acting. He said, ” Tu langur ke jaise uchhalna kab band karega , aur kab bada hoga? ” I am sure with this movie too , he wont have much nice thing to say.
The Verdict : . My actual outburst when coming out of theater. Saala is Hindustan mein akhbaar walon ka sab kuch bikta hai.( Front page, last page, editorial etc). My sister in law who is rarely critical of movies said , ” Its not worth 1 * ” Its not the villains, politicians , drug peddlers , cops or Guddu and Charlie ..but the journos/critics praising it with 4 /5 stars who are Kaminey